This isn't always easy, and not always possible, with all the commitments you probably are involved with (kids, work, housework, family and anything else,) but it needs to be a priority. Thank you for writing this. 5.6K likes. joleenruffin from Tracy, CA on December 09, 2010: I'm not sure if you are recommending the His Needs Her Needs book in this posting, but I just wanted to say that it is an awesome book and has helped my husband and I tremendously in our marriage. So, putting your spouse first is important in making second marriages work. I do feel so much for your situation, and hope that you can find a solution that works better for you. That is something we have done with each other, too. That is an excellent strategy on the part of your wife and very astute of you to realize this, so it didn't lead to terrible conflict. This was exactly what i needed to hear today! It sounds like you guys have a lot to handle but that is great that you were able to get help. Women tend to need love and affection. Joleen, thank you so much for the recommendation. Between moving and retiring, and being a 2nd marriage, it's been hard. Thank you so much for replying. Second time round, people are older and have a clearer idea of who they are and what they do and do not want in a relationship. When he is still divorced, it makes it impossible, like you say, to really move on with your lives, and you must feel kind of stuck right now. I think it has helped our marriage to get stronger because it is a constant reinforcement of our commitment to each other. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you approve, simply that you refuse to be controlled by it anymore. Nevertheless, I will answer you, just in case you check back, and for others that might have similar questions. It is hard, but possible! I think it depends on the circumstances, and how much money is being given. It's not going to happen all at once, but be happy if you're learning. Forgive your ex's spouse. Maybe it might be a project that you take on together in the community, or a game that you play on the computer. It helps even when we have a tiff, and don't want to say it. He says he loves me, but his actions prove otherwise. We are a Muslim polygamy matchmaking service. Try to listen calmly, and really understand his behaviour. So, let go of yesterday so you can start creating better tomorrow. You have stepped up to the plate, and I know that many married couples will be able to use this information. I need to work on the first 2 points you mentioned. Paprock writes, A stepmom can get whiplash trying to negotiate her way around competing interests and attempting to find a path through veritable mazes of … can we say "print" and put on the fridge?! I am so very glad that it came at the right time, and was something that you could use! I, on the other hand, brought two teenage girls and two cats into the relationship. It is a very challenging situation, but it does get better! The birth announcement didn’t include the baby’s name. Robert E Smith from Rochester, New York on March 31, 2017: Very useful article Sharilee. I wish you all the best for your future. You have to let go of what happened in your first marriage or previous relationships. Sometimes second marriages seems impossible but this articles has ten tips for making it more manageable. It sounds like you're feeling kind of stuck right now. This is not cheating and certainly is not bigamy. That is why I wrote the article -- to give hope and encouragement who might be going through similar things to what I went through. Signin to your account and access thousands of members looking for marriage You are one of the 826,000 women who become second wives each year. Perhaps the grass is not always greener," Montgomery said. Thanks for sharing your story and insights. They've already had enough of that! Take care. His ex has done so much to hurt me, him and our relationship. Ally is a psychologist happily married to surgeon David in Philadelphia. I was trying to suggest, but your comment made me realize I should have been more direct, so I have mentioned the book right in the text. I've been falsely accused of horrible things, she threatened to prevent me from becoming a licensed therapist, she even told her daughter that she wasn't allowed to love me. by Teresa Paprock. I am sorry that I didn't see it earlier; I am rarely on Hubpages anymore but I am so glad to read you are doing so much better. Most commonly this will be one man with multiple wives and this is becomes family unit.All the wives are friends and are to be treated as equals. The first year of marriage is the hardest, which is what everyone told me, but it's true. I work full time and pay the majority of the bills. Hope that things will get better... especially after I come to terms with the fact that although this marriage is not ideal to most... it is good for me. Answer: Money issues are more complicated after a second marriage, and require a lot of communication and planning. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You take care, too! He was finally won over, and now the cats are something that we love together, that we talk about together. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on March 06, 2016: Deborah, thank you so much for your feedback. Even though we've had no major issues, I agree with all 10 points you have made. I told her in the beginning of our relationship that I have visitations from the ghosts of my first relationship. That way it's a fait accompli. Sima Ballinger from Michigan on December 23, 2010: Hi Prairieprincess, I am the one who asked the question in the question and answers. Hurt from a past marriage is a tremendous thing to overcome, and takes times, healing and love. Take care, and thanks again for writing. Question: It does not get better. He is my inspiration. You might want to write about it, in a journal, or in poetry. Really great points though. Read the report. I have been busy working and have not been able to keep up with the comments. How would I go about fixing this? My husband and I, at are our wedding, with my grandparents. Surprise, surprise! I am 23 and engaged to my soulmate who has previously been married and has a beautiful daughter the age of 3. You may find out that most of these new people in your new life aren't very supportive of the marriage. By not allowing anyone (including your children) to disrespect them, and by generally giving them priority in your life. But few marriages are without problems, and some of them are very specific to being a second wife. This is critical and part of any healthy relationship. I will address your question, even at this late date, in case you ever come back, and even for the benefit of others. Second Wife, Second Best? It is in the past, and any bitterness you still have will poison you in the present. You need to meet each others needs, as much as you can. We have cats. The show documents the personal and professional lives of a group of several women who are already or are to become the second, third, fourth or fifth wives of wealthy and successful men. Putting a spouse first does not mean putting children last. What does putting your spouse first do for the relationship? We need to let go of the ideal, and embrace the real. reality series in the vein of the Real Housewives franchise, centered on the gossip-filled lives and manufactured dramas of ladies who lunch. She has written a book on the topic of remarriage. With kids and stepkids and trying to adjust to a new life, it's often hard to find time to just talk and spend time together, but you need to. He told me to find a second wife, perform the ceremony, consummate the marriage -- THEN tell my first wife. All these negative thoughts clouded my rational sense of thinking. He puts his children, ex-wife, and parents above me. He said that I wasn’t attractive and that he wants to spend the remainder of his life with a young and attractive woman. She can be hurt and alone and confused by why this is happening. Mini-Wife Syndrome A Guide for Stepmoms: Red Flags, Root Causes and Remedies by Brenda Snyder, LCSW. Loved reading this. In many cases, it does get better. This is critical! I like your perspective and will be sharing your book with my future husband (second marriage). Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on February 01, 2012: Karen, thank you so much for your positive feedback. Bitterness can build in her if she is neglected, or if she is given too much of a role in caring for her step-children. I do not know your husband, but it's possible he is just so burned out right now, that he is incapable of showing you the love you deserve. It is both important to do things together, and have things you do on your own. sureye, thank you so much! Maybe to your spouse, maybe just to a friend. Without him I would not be able to look back at my life with such ease and grace, he has shown me how. Put your spouse before anyone else in your life, before any other people, including the children. Bob. For a moment, I allowed her actions to get to me and I didn't want to hear out my fiancé. It's made me see how blessed I am all over again. And it gives them the security to keep going in a difficult relationship. He forgot all the years that we have spent together, since he has grown bored with me and wants a … Being a "second wife," should not mean being second in importance, and if that message is conveyed, it can lead to a multitude of negative emotions. These things take time, and that's okay! "In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best." The eight-episode, hour-long docu-series follows six women who are married or engaged to wealthy, powerful men. You might make new friends by joining a new church, or a social group, or just by meeting people in your daily life, and reaching out. The children's needs are of utmost important, and everyone's needs within a family need to be considered. For the first year and a half, my husband didn't care for the cats. I am sure that helped to make things a bit less complicated! It is not ideal, and that's okay. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on December 23, 2010: Treasuresofheaven, Thank you so much for the comment! Say "I love you" at least once a day. Rule for marriage: Say I Love You At Least Once A Day. I have had pleasure of conversing with this gentleman for a number of years. Second marriages have built-in separation (kid that only belong to one of you, ex-partners, separate financial history and so on). Talk about it, with the intention of letting it go. This was something I had to come to terms with, as a perpetual idealist. If you want to email me, feel free, and we can talk further. She broke up with me I thought of because of the kids because she has already raised hers and she is done with that but as im finding out she has never dealt with past marriage hurts. Your post brought me to tears and for the first time I feel the STRONGEST sense of hope for being my fiancé's second wife. about what both of you would like, and try to come to a compromise. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on August 03, 2012: Loveth, I am glad you were able to find someone so wonderful. What are his or her needs? Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on January 03, 2011: Char, it's really hard to get yourself going, after so many changes in your life. More healthy and loving years together for you and your man. I've been with my husband for 17 years and we've been married for 12. There is some literature out there on this topic, if you want to study this in-depth. Although this may sound obvious, it will be very important to remember these rules when the situation becomes a bit more complex. But don't talk about it, with the intent of just re-hashing and complaining. You need to have things in your life that are separate from being a wife, or a husband, and are just "you." We are called on this earth to meet our spouse's needs and no one else can do that! I believe they are truly all gone now. Now I actually have a problem remembering my first marriage in any detail because all my life is invested in this one. For the first two years, our marriage was a nightmare in many ways. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on May 14, 2012: @NyBride, that is good that one of you had no baggage. Your situation sounds very painful, and I can understand the nervousness and anxiety you are feeling. So, don't expect it to all be blissful in month, or even in a year. We set up this service as we believed this is a Sunnah we needed to revive.This service is for practising Muslims who are seeking marraige and accept polygamy as lifestyle. After ten years hubby won't add me to the house title. You have definitely made an impact on my life and from the comments I've read other other's lives too (: Hope all is well! It does take SO much work, no matter what your past is, and we all have some kind of baggage, right? I am so happy that this article triggered a positive reminder of your happy marriage. Here's my theory as a second wife. Don't try to compensate because you feel guilty for the divorce. "First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest," said every child who grew up in America in the '90s or the early aughts. Ideally, couples should go out on a date once a week, but sometimes you just cannot do it. It sounds like you are reaching a point of acceptance, which is awesome. He is busier than ever and reconnecting with old friends and I am at a loss, keeping myself busy but not entertained or enjoying it. Then there are the kids. A site that cares about the lifestyle of polygamy and really takes the effort to guide people properly. Second marriages are far from easy, but can be beautiful, too. There is no guarantee. Since then, both my husband and I have retired and our life has totally shifted. I could go on forever. The book, "His Needs, Her Needs" is excellent at explaining these needs, and why it is important to meet them. Making your second marriage a success needs incredible patience and commitment as you have to face lots of problems which spring out of your first marriage. I do think you have a chance. Meet the cast and learn more about the stars of of Second Wives Club with exclusive news, photos, videos and more at No, it's always us falling in love with a wonderful man, getting married, and having kids. Other needs will vary according to each individual, but the important thing is to take the time to meet those needs, and to not take your spouse for granted. An excellent rule-of-thumb is to give children as much leeway as you would in a first marriage. Take care, and have a wonderful day. This time, the "twist" is that the self-absorbed divas being filmed are the wives and fiancées of rich, powerful men … This applies to both of you. I asked her if she would help me kill them. Question: How do second marriage couples work through financial issues? My husband say it to each other, whenever we leave the house, whenever we go to sleep, and many times in between. But, there were times when I would expect her to react like my first wife in a particular situation and she knew to say, "It's okay, I'm not her." The discussion is way more complex then a simple statistic that women initiate 70% o divorces. If you are not married yet, it is a really good idea to talk about your finances before entering a marriage. Answer: That can be difficult. This ain't no Brady Bunch, and this ain't no fairytale. Thanks for sharing. I came to this website because I married a man that I love dearly and our first few months of marriage have been less than ideal. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on April 11, 2017: No body, thanks for the great comment! alenushka from Mississauga, Ontario on January 08, 2011: Thank you for the article, it gave me hope that maybe something can be made from my relationship with a man i love. I'm glad you agree with the points and that you guys are making it work. I appreciate your advice and suggestions. New friends have known both of you an equal amount of time, making for a more equitable friendship. Keep trying! So, I hope to give back because it is often a very difficult situation that people are in. As little girls, none of us go to sleep dreaming about being someone's second wife. They will remind you of your identity, before you became a wife, or a husband. It is created by putting together hundreds of little broken pieces from what was once whole. I am beginning to hate him. The next point is going to sound like the opposite of the last one, but it's really not. He travels for a living and I get to see him every other weekend. With exes, custody and getting over the past, a second marriage can seem so complicated. I would also suggest a joint, household budget that you try to follow. The second wife made everyone uncomfortable. But what they didn’t know is that I was far more uncomfortable than they could even imagine. The Second Wife is a full-on thriller with a hint of romance. You made my day! I no longer dream of divorce, and look forward to a future with my wonderful husband. Be patient with yourself and your spouse. I love him and dreaming to be his wife... working towards my divorce which is no going to be a problem, my ex was abusive, sociopath, we are separated with "help" of police and court order... so...just takes time and money to get Divorce Certificate. I appreciate the feedback, and am just hope the very best for you and your husband. I don't know how you are doing now, but I hope it has gotten better for you. Take care! A second wife has issues that don't appear in a first marriage. Sometimes dreams can be bondages, if they stop us from accepting reality. We have been more involved with our church and have stayed Christ-focused and it has made all the difference. Second Wives Club. It is so true that the more whole we are, the better relationship we can have. I think good marriage counseling if both of you are willing can help work through an issue like this. Hmmm. My heart fell the floor and very nearly shattered. Try to discuss it as a couple, to decide what is reasonable. Look at where the disagreements are. Is it appropriate? I entered the marriage having no baggage, as in no prior divorces and no children... he on the other hand had one prior marriage and three children. Membership in the club is open to any of you who experience challenges caused by the fallout from your husband’s first marriage. Thanks for taking care and many more happy years to both of you. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on December 11, 2010: Thank you, Richie~! Mohammad Tanvir Ibne Amin from Dhaka on April 25, 2015: I remember when I first met some of my new wife's friends. This will help to strengthen your second marriage, and help you to stay together. I know I need my own life but my friends live a few hours away and we now go to his old church so I'm just tagging along. I won't be able to be with him without finalizing divorce..Sorry, maybe it is that "relevant" to your article... but this is cry from my soul...Thank you again for the amazing article! I agree with you completely! No longer being at your job probably makes it harder to have social contact, too. Sounds about as wise as the time my dad gave my mom a … sureye from Tennessee on December 22, 2010: I cannot tell you how much this means to me! Hi , i am a divorcee .. is it ok to approach a never married single woman ? I'm glad to hear that you guys are happy and making it. Sharilee Swaity (author) from Canada on February 04, 2013: Jessa, I am thrilled that this gave you some hope. I agree that we have to work things out, and not let them just simmer until someone explodes, or even leaves. If I dropped dead right now, he would be remarried in 3 months. He has mentioned that he really wants to have another child and has even asked if I would leave him if he got another woman pregnant. The key is that you discuss money, instead of letting resentment build up, and destroy your relationship. The experience left me with some "second relationship training.". Question: How do you cope when your spouse wants to provide for his adult children? Take care, and Merry Christmas. Whether it's going jogging, separate friends, a computer game, or knitting, just keep your identity! You are right; it doesn't always get better. But children should not be allowed to use the second marriage to demand things that are not appropriate for them as children, just because their natural parent feels guilty. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have just reportedly welcomed their second child after managing to keep the pregnancy a secret for quite a while. Even just one change for the better can start you feeling a whole better in a lot of ways. It helps bring us back to the love we have for each other. It was a great question, and got me reflecting on my experiences and what I have learned so far. I am not sure that I want to believe him. I am sure that you have learned a lot from your past, and it sounds like both of you are very committed. Now, we just find it here and there. Take care and thanks again for the lovely comment. Have a great night! I believe it is possible for others to be happy in their second marriage, too. So many of us carry baggage that must be dealt within a relationship, whether it's a marriage or not. Oedipus (UK: / ˈ iː d ɪ p ə s /, US: / ˈ iː d ə p ə s, ˈ ɛ d ə-/; Greek: Οἰδίπους Oidípous meaning "swollen foot") was a mythical Greek king of Thebes.A tragic hero in Greek mythology, Oedipus accidentally fulfilled a prophecy that he would end up killing his father and marrying his mother, thereby bringing disaster to his city and family.. … I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! By making sure that you have time for them within your week. One thing that i used to do was write on the computer, but put a password on the document, so I was confident that no one would be able to read it. I felt like I gave it all, and got very, very little in return. My 2nd marriage began 5 years ago at age 59.

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